Laff dem all off...

A WOMAN BUYS A NEW SIM CARD
A woman buys a new sim card, puts it in her phone to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room. She goes to the kitchen, makes her voice sexy & calls her husband with the new number "hi darling", the husband responds in a low tone "let me call you back later honey, that pig is in the kitchen

A BUSINESSMAN AND A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following letter:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1- it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following
note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

TEACHER AND PUPIL
TEACHER: Good work done. Explain to us how u solved this question STEP BY STEP.
PUPIL: GOOGLE > COPY > PASTE > PRINT = HOMEWORK FINISHED


MAN AND PRIEST
Man says to priest. Father, forgive me my sins. I have taken pictures of naked women and I view them on my Blackberry.
Father replies 'forward your sins to me, here is my BBM pin.

A WOMAN GETS ON A BUS
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says "damn, your baby is so ugly!” With anger, she goes to the rear of the bus, fuming. She couldn't keep it to herself again, then she told the man sitting next to her "the driver just insulted me".
The man replied, “then go right there and slap him. I will hold your monkey for you."

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE NIGERIAN MINDS
Mr Okoro sees a prostitute and asks how much? She says: N5000 on the bed, N3000 on the sofa, N1000 on the floor. Mr Okoro gives her N5000. She says WOW, on the bed? Mr Okoro says no, 5 times on the floor...